Chemical Industry Executives: “We care more about profits than children’s health”

After skirting around the issue for over 50 years, the chemical industry, in a surprising show of forthrightness, finally admitted today they care more about profits than children’s health.  Industry executives issued a press release explaining their decision to come clean. 

“Honestly, it feels really good to get this off our chests. Pretending to care, when you actually don’t, is harder than it looks,” read one executive’s personal statement in response to the disclosure. 

Sources close to the executive say that a group of industry CEOs had been pondering this move for awhile now. The group reached consensus quickly when they realized they would have to give up their private jets to pay for yet another expensive ad campaign to improve their public image. 

“In the end, it just came down to money. By pretending we care about health and families we had to shell out more and more money to cover our true motives. The escalation was out of control. We think we can save more money in the long run by telling the truth now.” Industry executives are hoping the money saved by cutting PR costs will go to bigger Christmas bonuses this year. So far the public has been slow to react. 

If you haven’t guessed yet, APRIL FOOLS! We know we’ll probably never see a headline or story like this. But we sure did have fun brainstorming headlines that are so extreme they could almost be true. We would love to hear your suggestions as well. Let us know what you think in the blog comments below!

Happy April 1st from your friends at Washington Toxics Coalition!